Living in the city is hard.
I keep going back and forth in my mind about how this is an awesome, unforgettable experience, but it also is a difficult experience and certainly creates personal strength and growth. I wonder, am I being too sensitive about all of this? It's almost 1:00 am and I have to get up for work in 7 and a half hours - the thought of that makes me so so so so so so upset. All I can think about right now is how badly I want to go home. I miss the comfort of home so much. I think part of it is that I am somewhat isolated up here in New York City. How can that be possible when I'm living in one of the most densely populated cities in the world? I am not sure - probably because of my attitude towards all of this.
I have to admit I am somewhat of a sheltered person. I can be a go-getter at times but I think I am learning that I value comfort and security a lot more than I do risk. I was brought up in a nice suburban neighborhood with a loving and caring family, and haven't done a ton on my own. I have transferred colleges and moved up to the Bronx on my own but I did somehow tackle that and feel like it was easier than what I am going through right now.
I think it was easier because when I made the decision to transfer, I was at rock bottom. The best option for me was to move and I had nothing holding me back. Right now, I miss home. Home is awesome and relaxing and beautiful to just sit and look at. Sure, it can get really boring, I know that, but at home I am surrounded by my amazing family and few friends that stuck around for the summer. It is just so comfortable and I miss all the familiarities, conveniences, and calmness. Combine being up here without friends/family with also trying to maintain some whirlwind of a long distance relationship with a boyfriend who is living and working at his home and goes out all the time.
My sister does live up here in the city with her boyfriend but she also works and lives on the East side so I can't always see her. I have spent most of my time with her and I am extremely thankful to have her here for support. I just miss being social as well. I think it's coming up on a month that I have been here and I have gone out with my peers once. That is not okay for me! I need to be more social. I miss going out and having fun and letting loose! Being a new intern at work is stressful enough, but not even having an outlet to goof off and finally act like I am still a junior in college makes it all that much harder.
The grind of the real world is no joke and it intimidates me. I get upset when I think about how little I am excited or stimulated by things out here. It's crazy because you would think living in New York City would do just the opposite for someone but for some reason I am just not appreciating this atmosphere as much as I should be. I guess the city isn't for everyone and I am really coming to learn what I like and dislike in life - I dislike chaos, crowded areas, and city smells. It is cool to walk out my door and see skyscrapers all around me and have access to some of the best places in the country, but with my new work schedule I barely ever have the energy to even cook a decent dinner at night. I don't know how all you adults do it, it is seriously blowing my mind that in a few years when I graduate this is what my life is going to become. Work, along with my seminar on thursday nights drains every ounce of energy out of me every day.
I guess I had an easy year at college last year with classes starting at 1 pm and 4 pm in the afternoon - I could do whatever I wanted at night and sleep in and have no problem being up for class, not to mention I had my boyfriend and friends within footsteps of me at all times. Oh how I miss those days so much.
Who knows, maybe I will adjust to this situation better but I am almost a month in and things have not lightened up on me in the slightest. Going home last weekend was extremely bittersweet - sweet because I loved every second of relaxing and being home and bitter because I had to leave after two short days. I keep telling myself, you should be more appreciative of this - the opportunity to live in New York City for a summer at age 20, what else could be better? I just can't seem to get in that mindset. Work drains me and makes me feel isolated. I do have one or two friends living in this city but it's just so hard to connect with people. Being in such a large atmosphere and knowing no one is hard. I think I got all of my touristy "I love New York" moments out of me my freshman year of college. When I transferred to Fordham I came to the city all the time because I didn't have friends at the school and simply explored - went to Times Square, Central Park, SoHo a bunch of times. I know this city has a ton more to offer and so much more to see but I simply don't have the motivation in me to do it. The weekends are the only times I have to actually relax.
Hopefully my outlook on all of this will change and I can develop some kind of better attitude. I try listening to fun music when I go to work to pump me up and it just feels forced. I miss my family, friends, and boyfriend. I miss college and I miss home. Working alone in NYC at a large company for your first job is amazing but don't underestimate the work that goes into it - because it consumes your life. I can't deny though that I am truly blessed to have been given this job opportunity and have the financial resources to even get the chance to live in New York. I know tons of people dream of this and I am so thankful to be experiencing it.
Well I guess that is enough expression and complaining for one night. I am just in a bit of a sensitive, sour mood right now and needed to let it all out. This move is a stress on me instead of an excitement. Any advice on adapting to change - please share because I am in need!